Yesterday is a particularly hard day for me. It’s my Grandma’s birthday and normally it would be a marvelous day but these days it just symbolizes how much I miss her.
You see, my Grandma passed away what will be 9 years ago near the end of May. And it’s odd how every time I think of her passing, I still cry. Hard. Almost as if it just happened yesterday. I miss my Grandma so very much. I could talk to her about just about everything and I think I did. And the best part? She didn’t judge me. She accepted me for who I was, the choices I was trying to make in life, and just hoped that those choices would make me happy.
I also cry for my children who never got to know the awesome woman who would have been their great grandmother. It’s funny, Grandma never spent gobs and gobs of money on me (though back in my junior year of high school I got the funny idea in my head that I wanted to go on the school trip to London, England. I asked my parents if I could go, they looked at me shocked and said no. So I presented the idea to my Grandma, she happened to have a visitor staying with her for a few days when I asked and she convinced my Grandma to say yes. But that was the BIGGEST gift I ever got from her. Otherwise it was $10 at Christmas which normally went towards music or movies for me to add to my vast collection), she was just “there”.
My dad was an only child so if we ever ventured somewhere else for a holiday, Grandma went with us. If we went to any family function on my mom’s side of the family, Grandma went with us. She spent the night on Christmas Eve and was always a part of the Christmas morning festivities. We went to her house for Thanksgiving and Easter. She always had dinner for my parent’s birthdays and my mom did mine and my sisters, and Grandma was always there.
But no more. And the part the makes me even more upset than the fact that I am lost without her, is that I know how much she would have LOVED my kids. She would have loved how boy child (who was 6 months old when she passed) loves to sit on laps and get his back scratched (she was so awesome to sit there and scratch my back for what seemed like forever) and she would have been pleased to no end how girl child is a girly girl at heart (even if dresses get eye rolls these days) but her favorite color is pink (just like me, just like my Grandma).
I don’t know if my Grandma ever knew that I would still be in this much grief over her no longer being there. Grandma would have been 102 years old. She was no spring chicken when she passed. Most of her friends were gone and I know she was lonely. But at least now, as I know she looks out for me, she realizes just how much this girl loves her.